Friday, I'm in Love, and I am not an Angry Girl

It would be unreasonable for me to despise you, and I shouldn’t. Despising you would not do me any good, and would just expose me to further negative vibes. That and it’s practically useless because you don’t care.

So instead, I will focus on myself, my strengths, and how I can make a difference on my own way, on my own terms.

Sooner or later the ghosts of your pasts will come back. You have the choice to try and kill them, or confront them even if the thought scares you like crazy.

Killing them won’t keep them away. Ghosts are ghosts are ghosts. So no matter how hard you swing your imaginary sword at them, the blade will just pass through, and they will come back again and again, even if you think you have slain them. Victory is an illusion, but it is enough to get you pass that awful horrible day when you remembered for a split second that moment when that ghost was a living, breathing reminder of your mistakes and utter stupidity. 

Confrontation is a different story. It is not a fight. It is closing your eyes, and accepting what had happened, and how it had made you a better person, no matter how scarring or traumatizing it was. It will let you move forward. True, you have to face something you’d rather forget. But perhaps, in facing that awful past, you are opening yourself up to the present and to the future.

I don’t think I would be in the confrontational stage anytime soon. I refuse to stop swinging my imaginary sword, despite the knowledge that it is an otiose exercise (it rhymes in paper!). It is, as if, by fighting each and every time, I am able to feel that I’m in control of my past self. But that delicious feeling of control is a mirage. 

But I can ignore it, pretend it never happened, block it out of my memory, pretend I have amnesia. Because right now, ignoring the truth is easier than facing it, and right now, I’m not strong enough to take the harder path to recovery.